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2002-03-11 - 5:57 p.m.

I've been packing boxes and trying to throw away stuff. Intellectually, I know that I don't need a lot of this stuff --- old letters, zines, bits and pieces, college papers, etc. --- but I am such an emotional packrat. I cling to my past a little bit too much. I just found a letter from the late 80s from a guy named Storm (he was a tortured poet) slagging my then zine (PCC) and telling me it was boring and no longer relevant. Was I so insecure that I held onto that unasked for criticism from a self-appointed paternalistic figure out of my past? Why didn't I throw it away at the time, claptrap that it is? Looking back, it is amazing to me how insecure I really was - though I often came off as arrogant in the extreme. Even now I forget my own power at times.

For instance, today I went to the insurance office to get closing instructions. The guy I was supposed to meet with wasn't there yet so I made small talk with his partner. Before I knew it we were talking and laughing, he was bringing me coffee, he was telling me about his background and his kids ... how can I still be insecure about my social skills when I am able to do that?

Anyway, I have too much crap. It is overwhelming me. I've lived here for a long time (almost 6 years) and I have accumulated a lot of stuff. Verona wants me to throw almost everything away and start with all new kitchen and storage stuff, but I tell her, "We aren't millionaires. We can't afford to buy everything new, especially in the beginning." The thing is, she has classier taste than me, in some ways. She buys top-end when it comes to kitchen utensils, pans, etc. I buy cheap there and spend my money on books, art, etc. One of the many differences between us.

The house is consuming all my time and all of my thoughts. It's so near, after about two years of planning and looking.

I want to go to Big Bend. I've been reading Texas Monthly about Big Bend and thinking about how I haven't been there since I was little. The drive is pretty daunting, but it's so beautiful and wild. Maybe we can get away for a long weekend sometime this summer.

I have a student I think is probably gay. A boy. He has many of the stereotypical characteristics and has been taunted by others as gay, which doesn't prove anything ... but then again, where there's smoke there is often fire. One of the kids who was picking on him has a mom who is dying of AIDS, so there are other issues there probably. Basically, I just used the combination "harsh-justice-from-above/ no-orientation-slurs-like-no-racial-slurs" treatment on the offenders and I believe they stopped. I told the young man to come tell me if they did it again and I would have them cited for sexual harassment (though the school might not let me, unless an adult hears it) and he hasn't said anything.

Nuff said -



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